The Four Loko Experiment

With all the hubub around Four Loko, it's only a matter of time before they're banned nationwide. On a recent trip to the liquor store I noticed the variety of brightly-colored cans in the cooler and thought today was the day to try one for myself. I can only imagine what the dude working the register thought when I brought up my made-my-own sixpack of seasonal and regional craft beers, only to augment it with a Four F'n Loko.

Last year, I had a bad experience with a "malt beverage" called "Wild Blue" which I mistook as a microbrew, but turned out to be made by Anheuser Busch and tastes like blueberry-flavored ass. It's the only beer I've ever thrown out, in fact. While I'm not a stranger to terrible beers, I wasn't expecting the same thing from Four Loko. Rather, I was expecting something like those nasty wine coolers my mom used to drink on the rare occasions when she drank at all.

My favorite artificial flavor is watermelon. At least, as a kid it was. I don't know what it was - it didn't taste like watermelon at all (not that I'm particularly a fan of regular watermelon flavor to begin with), but whatever that super sweet flavor was patterned from, I literally ate it up, particularly in the form of Bubblicious. Ergo, I was super excited to see Four Loko offered a watermelon flavor, which I bought up with much haste.

As if the name, or the drink being found amongst the alcohol not being indication enough that this was an alcoholic drink, they are certain to spell it out for you along the top of the can. They also happily call this a "premium malt beverage with artificial flavors, guarana, taurine, caffeine, and FD&C Red #40." I have no idea what FD&C Red #40 is, nor why they would want to brag about this fact alongside the caffeine and taurine, but now we know it's there. Also of note is the can is 23.5 ounces, so not even Four Loko is immune to the damage of the grocery store shrink ray.

I poured the Loko into a glass to best enjoy its flavor. I also allowed the pleasurable pink drink to rest for several minutes to breathe. The picture doesn't fully convey just how unnaturally pink this substance really is.

As I mentioned, I was expecting the heavy liquor presence of a watermelon wine cooler, but I was surprised to find the sweetness of the sugar water coming through before followed by the harsh and sharp liquor presence. By the time I was making my way to the bottom of the can, the liquor was getting more cloying, taking me longer to swallow after my sips. The sugary watermelon flavor was making my teeth hurt, too, though I guess kids who drink those sugary sodas would be used to this. It doesn't taste good, is what I'm saying, though really, who is surprised?

Is there a buzz? Of course - the thing's 12% alcohol. Of course, there are good microbrews that are 10+% too, and they have the added benefit of not tasting like shit. Beers don't have the energy drink properties, though, so I guess you could call that a win for the Loko. The argument in support of Lokos, when faced by prohibition by governments, is that you can get the same alcoholic and caffeinated properties by downing the occasional Red Bull during your drinking session, and I would claim the same. So, in the end, my Four Loko experiment was foiled by the fact that this thing tastes disgusting, and as I would hope these kids would learn, you can still get a mighty good buzz without sacrificing flavor. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some nice beers to which I should attend.